Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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