just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
