ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
