hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
