i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's never too late to be topless.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
