i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
