He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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