so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
