I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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