Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
