I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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