I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
