did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
