I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
