so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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