I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
