1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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