In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
