Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
