Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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