At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
