I got chris browned last night
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
