Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
