I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
