Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I party with great urgency now.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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