I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
