Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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