I wanna passion pit in your ass
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
