The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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