saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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