So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
