Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
