Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
