Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
