We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
