Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
