i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
