the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
