if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
