Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
