When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
