I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
