I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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