I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
