he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
