maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
