how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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