I faked an abortion last night.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
