of course. lets lasso hookers.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
