you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
