Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
