Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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