I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
